By Joanne Guidoccio
According to one study, adults laugh—on average—seventeen times a day. Pre-school children, on the other hand, can laugh up to 300 times a day.
That discrepancy becomes even more pronounced at this time of the year. With only one week to go before Christmas, many of us are scrambling to buy gifts, finish decorating, plan and prepare that special meal, and a host of other activities on a never-ending To-Do list.
I find small doses of humor effective during these busy times. Here are seven of my favorite jokes. Feel free to share them at the dinner table or water cooler.
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. He called out: “Mama, look what I found.”
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed the cat. “Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?”
The cat replied, “I’ve been sleeping on a cold floor and I’d love a warm pillow to sleep on.” St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster, so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next day, St. Peter checked in on the cat. “How was everything last night?”
The cat replied, “That pillow you have me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels.”
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally John had had enough. In exasperation one day, he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. He shook his fist at the parrot, but the parrot just got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When the pastor asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
“Pull down your pants,” the pastor whispered.
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
A man is scrambling eggs when his wife walks into the kitchen.
“Careful,” she cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! The salt!”
The man turns and asks, “What’s wrong with you?”
His wife calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving and you’re in the passenger seat.”
A couple walked into a dentist’s office. The man said, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have my buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. Just pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 a.m. tee time at the best course in town and it’s already 9:30. I don’t have time for the anesthetic to work.”
The dentist wondered about this brave man who wanted to have his tooth pulled without anytime to kill the pain. He asked, “Which tooth is it?”
The man turned to his wife. “Open your mouth and show him.”
A Buddhist monk strolled into a Zen pizza parlor and said, “Make me one with everything on it.”
The owner obliged. When he turned over the pizza with all the trimmings, the monk gave him a twenty-dollar bill which the owner stuck in the cash register.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asked.
The owner replied, “Change must come from within.”
Happy Holidays and all the best in 2019!
Where to find Joanne Guidoccio…